Right now?

So... I want to bawl.

Calvin asked tonight, after the party was over, "So, whaddya wanna do now?"
And I almost said, "cry like a dumb girl."

But no. No thanks.

And then something else happened. And I am past the breaking point.

I just can't stand the thought almost.
It was so funny, because as soon as I saw the picture, I could taste... smell... feel... hear...
Doesn't matter.

I just can't help but feel like I threw something away. That I wasn't supposed to.



Am I condemned for the rest of this lifetime?
I really can't figure out what God's plan is in this regard.


I have not been a good friend lately. I am getting jealous of something that may not even ever happen. And that's just stupidity. Not very mature.
But it goes back to a poignant question Mark asked me this spring. The answer was 'yes' then, and it remains 'yes' now. And that may be the source of the problem.


So maybe we found an apartment to live in. Hooray- I am glad about that for sure. But... I can't find security. God knows this, and I think it may be His point. No matter how hard I try, I just can't nail anything down right now... things just seem to float away when I turn my back.


So I am past the breaking point.
But that's okay, it isn't the first time.
When the going gets tough, the weak realize their need for the Strong. And there is only one Strong.