Thoughts
So many thoughts are going through my head right now. I just tried to write an away message on AIM, and I went through about five before I gave up.
I want someone who knows me. I mean, really knows me. Can finish my sentences. Knows what I am thinking. Is always on the "same page". But wait- Jesus is all that. Exactly- and that is what crosses Him off of the list; He knows too much! He knows exactly what I have done to slap Him in the face. And He knows that sometimes I am not sorry. Even though I want to be.
Cuanto tempo, il mio Amico? Quanto tempo? Allora, lo condannerete?
I am so terrified. So scared that I have been wrong all along. That I am not what I thought I was.
But I will never give up.
Brady, my posts depress you for a good reason. It's only here that I can say what I am actually thinking. I can't talk about it in person. It's not good manners. I am too busy being the goofy, annoying Randall on the outside for anyone to take me seriously. Except for a couple of people. Praise the Lord for them.
I should clarify something I said this afternoon. I said that I didn't expect to hear from her for a long time. And I don't. It's allright if I do. I just have a strange feeling that she doesn't want to talk to me. That's a shame. I always did like talking to her.
And then there's my other friend. It's a guy, so it's not like it's GIRL problems, thank goodness. I nicknamed him "Il mio corridore". He doesn't know It's amazing though- all I am good for to this person is "Do you know where your roommate is?" I don't know. This person is usually the first person I get bitter towards. Maybe I am just taking my frustration out on him psychologically. Yeah, I need to shut up on this one.
And then there's this new problem. I didn't know I was capable of it. Except that I did. I KNEW that I had it in me. And I said that I wouldn't let it happen again. And now it has- in a different way than ever before. And I know I should prevent it. But I also know that I don't want to- I want to see where it takes me. But I know that it cannot take me anywhere that I am allowed to be. What a stupid conundrum.
And the funny thing about this potential summer job is that, while it is thousands of miles away, it is actually very close to someone. But that's not the reason I am interested in the job. Esapecially since I realize that the person wouldn't have time for me even if I lived next door. Ha- there was a hidden meaning in that, and I didn't know it.
I accused myself of being shallow today. In my head, I mean- not out loud. I was thinking about why I do things. Imitation in the highest form of flattery. That's something my dad taught me in regards to a DIFFERENT problem I have in my character. So do I do the things I do out of shallow flattery? Is it that I am trying to impress people? I remember what brought it to my attention today. But I have come to the conclusion that no, I buy the things I buy because I think they are good things to have. Not to be 'just like' my friend. I am glad to have thought that through. Because sometimes I wonder about it.
At this point, it doesn't matter if no one understands me. Because I think I am beginning to. And if they think that I am just being friends with someone out of spite, or sucking-up, or whatever they think... it doesn't matter.
It's funny- I gave the corridore nickname to someone else... I think it may apply to me more.
I drove fast and hard yesterday. It felt better. It always does. But it wasn't enough. And running around campus won't be, either. So I won't bother. I don't know what to do to relieve some of this energy. I miss high school. I miss junior college. I miss my old job. I miss wishing I didn't live at home anymore. I miss my cool, dark bedroom. I miss certainty. I miss knowing what would happen tomorrow. I miss predictability. I miss being the best there was at what I did. I miss being reliable.
I wish I hadn't been on the receiving end of that prank. But it's funny how your sins have a way of finding you out. I want to demand a reimbursement for damaged goods. BUT- then I would have to admit that I knew it happened, and this is one of those pranks that is definitely better left ignored.
I want out of this place so badly I might scream. Except that then someone would hear, and I couldn't have that. Screaming in frustration is not something Randall would do- not happy, cheerful, annoying Randy. Our problems are far larger than his, and our schoolwork far more difficult. Randy has no room to complain about how hard classes are, since he's not a real engineer.
Someday I am going to engineer/design the aircraft that carries passengers into space. And when I receive some stupid award, I will stand on the podium and say, "Here's to all the little people... the ones that took advantage of me in university, the ones that said I could never be a real engineer. Here's to you."
I am going to study now... this whole blog is stupid.
I want someone who knows me. I mean, really knows me. Can finish my sentences. Knows what I am thinking. Is always on the "same page". But wait- Jesus is all that. Exactly- and that is what crosses Him off of the list; He knows too much! He knows exactly what I have done to slap Him in the face. And He knows that sometimes I am not sorry. Even though I want to be.
Cuanto tempo, il mio Amico? Quanto tempo? Allora, lo condannerete?
I am so terrified. So scared that I have been wrong all along. That I am not what I thought I was.
But I will never give up.
Brady, my posts depress you for a good reason. It's only here that I can say what I am actually thinking. I can't talk about it in person. It's not good manners. I am too busy being the goofy, annoying Randall on the outside for anyone to take me seriously. Except for a couple of people. Praise the Lord for them.
I should clarify something I said this afternoon. I said that I didn't expect to hear from her for a long time. And I don't. It's allright if I do. I just have a strange feeling that she doesn't want to talk to me. That's a shame. I always did like talking to her.
And then there's my other friend. It's a guy, so it's not like it's GIRL problems, thank goodness. I nicknamed him "Il mio corridore". He doesn't know It's amazing though- all I am good for to this person is "Do you know where your roommate is?" I don't know. This person is usually the first person I get bitter towards. Maybe I am just taking my frustration out on him psychologically. Yeah, I need to shut up on this one.
And then there's this new problem. I didn't know I was capable of it. Except that I did. I KNEW that I had it in me. And I said that I wouldn't let it happen again. And now it has- in a different way than ever before. And I know I should prevent it. But I also know that I don't want to- I want to see where it takes me. But I know that it cannot take me anywhere that I am allowed to be. What a stupid conundrum.
And the funny thing about this potential summer job is that, while it is thousands of miles away, it is actually very close to someone. But that's not the reason I am interested in the job. Esapecially since I realize that the person wouldn't have time for me even if I lived next door. Ha- there was a hidden meaning in that, and I didn't know it.
I accused myself of being shallow today. In my head, I mean- not out loud. I was thinking about why I do things. Imitation in the highest form of flattery. That's something my dad taught me in regards to a DIFFERENT problem I have in my character. So do I do the things I do out of shallow flattery? Is it that I am trying to impress people? I remember what brought it to my attention today. But I have come to the conclusion that no, I buy the things I buy because I think they are good things to have. Not to be 'just like' my friend. I am glad to have thought that through. Because sometimes I wonder about it.
At this point, it doesn't matter if no one understands me. Because I think I am beginning to. And if they think that I am just being friends with someone out of spite, or sucking-up, or whatever they think... it doesn't matter.
It's funny- I gave the corridore nickname to someone else... I think it may apply to me more.
I drove fast and hard yesterday. It felt better. It always does. But it wasn't enough. And running around campus won't be, either. So I won't bother. I don't know what to do to relieve some of this energy. I miss high school. I miss junior college. I miss my old job. I miss wishing I didn't live at home anymore. I miss my cool, dark bedroom. I miss certainty. I miss knowing what would happen tomorrow. I miss predictability. I miss being the best there was at what I did. I miss being reliable.
I wish I hadn't been on the receiving end of that prank. But it's funny how your sins have a way of finding you out. I want to demand a reimbursement for damaged goods. BUT- then I would have to admit that I knew it happened, and this is one of those pranks that is definitely better left ignored.
I want out of this place so badly I might scream. Except that then someone would hear, and I couldn't have that. Screaming in frustration is not something Randall would do- not happy, cheerful, annoying Randy. Our problems are far larger than his, and our schoolwork far more difficult. Randy has no room to complain about how hard classes are, since he's not a real engineer.
Someday I am going to engineer/design the aircraft that carries passengers into space. And when I receive some stupid award, I will stand on the podium and say, "Here's to all the little people... the ones that took advantage of me in university, the ones that said I could never be a real engineer. Here's to you."
I am going to study now... this whole blog is stupid.
posted by Elmo at 9:15 PM
1 Comments:
Well, I will call you later on, and we can have a chat about all kinds of neat-o things (like we always do), but for now, I wanted to say that you are special. God made you and I believe that He has some pretty stinkin awesome things in store for you. Right now you are going through quite a bit of adversity, nothing to ignore. The thing to concentrate on is not that you are having hard times, but what you are learning from them. Don't let anyone look down on you, and don't look down on yourself. God knows all about you, just like you said, and He still loves you. God's love allows us to love others. God's love allows us to love ourselves. Some may ask, "why would anyone not love themselves?". Well, at some point in our lives (multiple points usually), we realize that we are really dirty, and that can make us ourselves. The important thing to remember is that God loves us and will use us despite ourselves. God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called. You are called to do something great, and God is in the process of qualifying you - of making you into the person He wants you to be. Take heart, you are special.
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