I'll take Bottle things inside for $1000, Alex!
So here's my current away message:
"Don't lie to yourself to make you feel better.
Don't act like it didn't bother you.
I do these things all the time, when sometimes I'd be better off to actually admit that I'm mad about it, and then let it pass."
It's true.
But anyhow, I digress. The point is that... uh... thinking...
Oh, the point is that when I am upset with someone, I should avoid telling myself that, "It doesn't matter," or, "Well, I was in the wrong, so I'll fix it somehow."
Lying and saying that something doesn't bother me does me no good, and in the end, causes me to lose respect for myself and the other person.
This stems from what someone once asked me being true:
I think I AM afraid of losing friends.
Maybe that's because I don't consider myself to be a very likeable person, once you really get to know me. For various reasons.
Are we all like that, or is it just me? Does everyone have to go out of their way to exert effort to maintain a friendship? Is that what friendship is about? Or does it just come naturally for some people? And for those people to whom it does come naturally, do I really enjoy friendship with them in the first place?
No, I don't. Because they seem insincere.
This issue... it's person-specific, too.
With others (coworkers), I get mad, decide they're stupid, and make my opinion known to the coworkers I like and trust.
That's called a clique.
I tried very hard to avoid being in clicks at work. Sam Lloyd suggested this, and achieves it by claiming to like everybody, yet simultaneously not actually liking anybody.
Anyhow, as hard as I tried, I realized this week that I am in a clique at work. Yet, being one who attempted to avoid just that, I seem to be in EVERY clique.
I'm in the "We work Sunday-Monday shifts, so we're better than all ya'll" clique. I'm in the "I like Susan" clique. I'm in the "I like Ned and take his side" clique. I'm in the "Early morning mechanics work harder" clique. I'm in the "Late morning mechanics get to sleep in" clique. I'm in the "Noel is difficult" clique. I'm in the "Noel isn't that difficult, he just wants the job done right" clique.
And I'm not exaggerating.
For just eleven coworkers, you can see how complicated and political these things get.
ON THE OTHER HAND:
Yet with friends, I find myself just... shifting reality.
There are a couple of examples in recent memory where I have totally just stabbed myself and let my guts spill out for the sake of peace in the friendship.
I always told myself that it was worth it... that the friendship is more valuable than the individuals... the sum is greater than the parts, so to speak.
I was once accused (ha, just once?) of having double standards. It's so true! I give my close friends MILES more grace than others.
I ended up cutting people less slack while at LeTourneau, because I got burned. By one or two specific people... multiple times. Getting burned sucks. Yet with one of them, I drove on, let it happen over and over, until senior year. Then I said "screw it" and stopped trying to further the friendship.
So now when given the chance, I don't jump at the chance to hang out with that person.
Is this holding a grudge? Possibly. Or, it may just be protecting myself from abuse. Because I ended up feeling taken advantage of.
But I'm not sure that being the doormat is a good thing after all. When I chose to back down first, it may end up putting me in a position to back down in the future.
And I think that's happened this week.
A close friend really aggravated me, yet that person ended up mad at me for not being willing to talk. So this person is STILL mad at me, when, in fact, what they said really hurt pretty badly.
This time, though, I am not going to say, "Oh, it's my fault that the person is mad, and I will shove my pride under the rug and fix it." While it's partially my fault that the person is mad, they hurt me worse, and hurt me first. Therefore, I am going to let myself be angry about it. Not raging, uncontrolled, irrational, EMOTIONAL anger, but productive, conrtolled, and logical anger.
I know this blog has made little sense to anyone reading it, but rest assured, it has helped me to write all this junk down, disorganized though it may be. I will probalby re-read it again in the future, to remind myself of the points I wish to have in my mind while searching for a resolution.
And with that, I will quit writing on the subject.
In other, ambiguous, unrelated news:
Yeah, I'm jealous. And frustrated. Because I thought it would be me. I thought, hoped, and assumed... that it'd be me.
And it's not. After ALL THAT we've been through, I don't feel valued by this person in the way that I had hoped. No, it's not a male-female thing... not that type of issue. This person isn't even female.
Just... wow, I thought I was the confidant. A confidant, anyway. And apparently, I am not.
"Don't lie to yourself to make you feel better.
Don't act like it didn't bother you.
I do these things all the time, when sometimes I'd be better off to actually admit that I'm mad about it, and then let it pass."
It's true.
But anyhow, I digress. The point is that... uh... thinking...
Oh, the point is that when I am upset with someone, I should avoid telling myself that, "It doesn't matter," or, "Well, I was in the wrong, so I'll fix it somehow."
Lying and saying that something doesn't bother me does me no good, and in the end, causes me to lose respect for myself and the other person.
This stems from what someone once asked me being true:
I think I AM afraid of losing friends.
Maybe that's because I don't consider myself to be a very likeable person, once you really get to know me. For various reasons.
Are we all like that, or is it just me? Does everyone have to go out of their way to exert effort to maintain a friendship? Is that what friendship is about? Or does it just come naturally for some people? And for those people to whom it does come naturally, do I really enjoy friendship with them in the first place?
No, I don't. Because they seem insincere.
This issue... it's person-specific, too.
With others (coworkers), I get mad, decide they're stupid, and make my opinion known to the coworkers I like and trust.
That's called a clique.
I tried very hard to avoid being in clicks at work. Sam Lloyd suggested this, and achieves it by claiming to like everybody, yet simultaneously not actually liking anybody.
Anyhow, as hard as I tried, I realized this week that I am in a clique at work. Yet, being one who attempted to avoid just that, I seem to be in EVERY clique.
I'm in the "We work Sunday-Monday shifts, so we're better than all ya'll" clique. I'm in the "I like Susan" clique. I'm in the "I like Ned and take his side" clique. I'm in the "Early morning mechanics work harder" clique. I'm in the "Late morning mechanics get to sleep in" clique. I'm in the "Noel is difficult" clique. I'm in the "Noel isn't that difficult, he just wants the job done right" clique.
And I'm not exaggerating.
For just eleven coworkers, you can see how complicated and political these things get.
ON THE OTHER HAND:
Yet with friends, I find myself just... shifting reality.
There are a couple of examples in recent memory where I have totally just stabbed myself and let my guts spill out for the sake of peace in the friendship.
I always told myself that it was worth it... that the friendship is more valuable than the individuals... the sum is greater than the parts, so to speak.
I was once accused (ha, just once?) of having double standards. It's so true! I give my close friends MILES more grace than others.
I ended up cutting people less slack while at LeTourneau, because I got burned. By one or two specific people... multiple times. Getting burned sucks. Yet with one of them, I drove on, let it happen over and over, until senior year. Then I said "screw it" and stopped trying to further the friendship.
So now when given the chance, I don't jump at the chance to hang out with that person.
Is this holding a grudge? Possibly. Or, it may just be protecting myself from abuse. Because I ended up feeling taken advantage of.
But I'm not sure that being the doormat is a good thing after all. When I chose to back down first, it may end up putting me in a position to back down in the future.
And I think that's happened this week.
A close friend really aggravated me, yet that person ended up mad at me for not being willing to talk. So this person is STILL mad at me, when, in fact, what they said really hurt pretty badly.
This time, though, I am not going to say, "Oh, it's my fault that the person is mad, and I will shove my pride under the rug and fix it." While it's partially my fault that the person is mad, they hurt me worse, and hurt me first. Therefore, I am going to let myself be angry about it. Not raging, uncontrolled, irrational, EMOTIONAL anger, but productive, conrtolled, and logical anger.
I know this blog has made little sense to anyone reading it, but rest assured, it has helped me to write all this junk down, disorganized though it may be. I will probalby re-read it again in the future, to remind myself of the points I wish to have in my mind while searching for a resolution.
And with that, I will quit writing on the subject.
In other, ambiguous, unrelated news:
Yeah, I'm jealous. And frustrated. Because I thought it would be me. I thought, hoped, and assumed... that it'd be me.
And it's not. After ALL THAT we've been through, I don't feel valued by this person in the way that I had hoped. No, it's not a male-female thing... not that type of issue. This person isn't even female.
Just... wow, I thought I was the confidant. A confidant, anyway. And apparently, I am not.
posted by Elmo at 11:25 PM
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