Oh boy.
Oh boy.
Four main big thoughts came to mind yesterday. Most of them didn't occur at church, either. Maybe I should work on that. Anyhow, here they are, in no particular order:
1. I am living a lie. I have kinda sorta deceived someone. No, I haven't; I have simply not been entirely honest with them. BUT- Benjamin says that I am doing the right thing. And I understood his explanation. And maybe it's right. Either way, today I decided that I would come clean the next time around. But tonight I decided against it. Surely, SURELY, if you stifle the liberal (emotional...ahem) half of your brain, it will eventually shut up... right? Right?
2. The things I said were said as a brother, not as a pursuer. But I can't tell you that; see thought #1.
3. In Alaska, I feel like Tom Bombadill. Last night, on that hill, I felt the way I think Tom Bombadill lived. Except that he had an incredible wife. I'll have to work on that. Anyhow, being up there, hiking alone, among all the stuff. I know it's pretty dangerous. But I don't generally worry about it. I found about five new kinds of life up there. All of it was plants, no new animals, but it was still amazing to see what all God put on that hill. Shoot, I even found wild blueberries growing on the ground. I ate a few. I was so elated, that if a moose had pondered over to me, I probably would have reached out and given it a nice pat on the back. I love it here. I don't want to leave. Yet, at the same time, I am ready to go home. This morning was rough.
4. Sometimes, I tell myself, we have to give up what we want for what is responsible. But is this one of those times? Is this one of the times when I am supposed to give up what I want for what makes sense? Some people would say, "Randy, that is a foolish idea. You tried that sort of thing once, and you ended up in a mess of hurt." Others would say, "Randy, go for it, man! Why would you turn your back on this????"
And both of them have a valid point.
So many times in life, our choices don't involve the clear-cut distinction between sin and not sin, wrong and right. These decisions and choices are far more difficult. Heck, I don't even do so well with the right-and-wrong ones. Much less the "Which door will Randy walk through?" questions. I guess the door is shut. Yeah, it is. So the question is, is Randy powerful enough to open it?
Some of life's doors can be opened with a slim-jim or crow bar. But then, is that the right thing to do, either? Geesh.
Other thoughts... I am listening to a song right now that says,
"Everything around me became, suddenly,
Unreal.
As if in a dream.
Unreal."
And that's what happened.
And now I am listening to another song. It's not a great song, but it's a song I listen to when there is something heavy on my mind, when I'm not enjoying the prospect of thinking about it. And now, it's way more appropriate.
"I can't make you love me if you don't.
You can't make your heart feel something it won't.
Here in the dark, in these final hours,
I will lay down my heart, and I feel the power.
But you won't.
No, you won't.
'Cause I can't make you love me,
If you don't."
Sigh. Bummed.
See thought #4.
So my buddy cried the other day. I had no idea. But I think I was right about one thing: Susceptible. Because crying over this subject just doesn't seem normal, stable, or healthy. Not to me. I may talk to him about it again. But probably not.
Oh boy.
Four main big thoughts came to mind yesterday. Most of them didn't occur at church, either. Maybe I should work on that. Anyhow, here they are, in no particular order:
1. I am living a lie. I have kinda sorta deceived someone. No, I haven't; I have simply not been entirely honest with them. BUT- Benjamin says that I am doing the right thing. And I understood his explanation. And maybe it's right. Either way, today I decided that I would come clean the next time around. But tonight I decided against it. Surely, SURELY, if you stifle the liberal (emotional...ahem) half of your brain, it will eventually shut up... right? Right?
2. The things I said were said as a brother, not as a pursuer. But I can't tell you that; see thought #1.
3. In Alaska, I feel like Tom Bombadill. Last night, on that hill, I felt the way I think Tom Bombadill lived. Except that he had an incredible wife. I'll have to work on that. Anyhow, being up there, hiking alone, among all the stuff. I know it's pretty dangerous. But I don't generally worry about it. I found about five new kinds of life up there. All of it was plants, no new animals, but it was still amazing to see what all God put on that hill. Shoot, I even found wild blueberries growing on the ground. I ate a few. I was so elated, that if a moose had pondered over to me, I probably would have reached out and given it a nice pat on the back. I love it here. I don't want to leave. Yet, at the same time, I am ready to go home. This morning was rough.
4. Sometimes, I tell myself, we have to give up what we want for what is responsible. But is this one of those times? Is this one of the times when I am supposed to give up what I want for what makes sense? Some people would say, "Randy, that is a foolish idea. You tried that sort of thing once, and you ended up in a mess of hurt." Others would say, "Randy, go for it, man! Why would you turn your back on this????"
And both of them have a valid point.
So many times in life, our choices don't involve the clear-cut distinction between sin and not sin, wrong and right. These decisions and choices are far more difficult. Heck, I don't even do so well with the right-and-wrong ones. Much less the "Which door will Randy walk through?" questions. I guess the door is shut. Yeah, it is. So the question is, is Randy powerful enough to open it?
Some of life's doors can be opened with a slim-jim or crow bar. But then, is that the right thing to do, either? Geesh.
Other thoughts... I am listening to a song right now that says,
"Everything around me became, suddenly,
Unreal.
As if in a dream.
Unreal."
And that's what happened.
And now I am listening to another song. It's not a great song, but it's a song I listen to when there is something heavy on my mind, when I'm not enjoying the prospect of thinking about it. And now, it's way more appropriate.
"I can't make you love me if you don't.
You can't make your heart feel something it won't.
Here in the dark, in these final hours,
I will lay down my heart, and I feel the power.
But you won't.
No, you won't.
'Cause I can't make you love me,
If you don't."
Sigh. Bummed.
See thought #4.
So my buddy cried the other day. I had no idea. But I think I was right about one thing: Susceptible. Because crying over this subject just doesn't seem normal, stable, or healthy. Not to me. I may talk to him about it again. But probably not.
Oh boy.
posted by Elmo at 12:03 AM
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