Unassembled thoughts

Okay, haven't written here in a long time, no one reads it anyway, so it's okay to read.  
Except maybe Tank.  But that's okay, Tank can read it.

So, yeah, work.
Someone at work is talking shmack about me, saying that it should have been ME that got laid off instead of one of the guys that DID get laid off.  And he give a specific reason, too.  But it's ridiculous.  I mean, if he had cited my actual weaknesses, it'd be one thing.  Instead, he made up some ridiculous crap.  
But I am concerned that he speaks for everyone.  Especially since a trusted coworker told me that most people said it would be me.

So now I am debating whether to say anything to my supervisor about it.  Not to name names, just to say, "Hey, is this my reputation?  Do I need to start tethering airplane parts to my clothes to convince people otherwise?"

Other thoughts.

MAN, I have been reminiscing a lot lately.  As far back as HIGH SCHOOL!!!!  Crazy.  

I guess I've just had a lot on my mind.

And a certain someone from the past keeps popping up in conversation.  
Like today.  One of the JAL rep's comes up to me and OUT OF THE BLUE asks if I'm married.
me: "Hah, no......... did you have someone in mind?"
him: "Heheh, no, I did not have someone in mind."
me: "Ha, well, I got close one time, but.........."
him: "Oh, she didn't meet your standards, huh?"
me: "Yeah, well, that may be the other way around."

Anyhow, I've been thinking a lot about all that time I spent... all those days looking forward to good times to come, and backward at good times gone by.   And, for a rare week out of every two months, looking at good times at present.

Was I completely stupid?  We'll never know.

I've also been thinking a lot about a certain other someone lately.  I wish that person's life hadn't fallen apart the way it did; I felt bad then, and I feel bad now.  


I think I am malcontent with life.  But I don't know what to do about it.  I'm a Christian; I'm supposed to be satisfied always.  And I typically am.  But sometimes, life just gets... I don't know.

I just don't want to be in the exact same place 10 years from now as I am in today.

I was going to write a long blog on the subject of honor.  I might yet, but suffice it to say:
People confuse "honor" with "pride".  
It's important to be honorable.  A friend of mine keeps says that honor is what makes Asian culture so great.  And, indeed, the Japanese I work with have a profound sense of honor.  Except...
These people aren't actually being honorable, many times.  They're being PRIDEFUL.
Killing yourself with your sword after a mistake in the workplace isn't honorable; it's prideful.  

HONOR is FACING THE MISTAKES YOU'VE MADE.  Admit your imprefections and move forward as a better man.


So don't give me all this crap about how Americans have no honor.  If you want honor, be honorable.  But don't confuse it for pride, or a sense for your reputation to outlive your body.

At the end, I don't care what my gravestone says.  If it says I was the greatest saint that ever lived, or if it says that I was a theif, murderer, and liar... it doesn't matter.  What matters is what God says about me.

Speaking of God, man, I'm not sure WHERE our relationship is lately.  
After reading through a Gospel, I find myself challenged once again by Jesus Words, which seem impossible to achieve.  I can't meet His requirements.  They're too high.  Give up everything I have?  Well, that's one of those things... everything I have is really His, and I know that, so in a sense I've already given it up.  But in another sense.............

Just other stuff though.  It's like (and I've said this to Him) HOW do you expect me to do this?
I went out seeking a better relationship with Him, and came back befuddled.



Meanwhile, my car is acting stupid.
My bank account is HUGE... but all marked for expenditure that I cannot avoid.
I want out of Alaska... I want to go home.
But did I mention that I like living here?


I feel panic coming...